Spin Cycle

At one point I was actually homeless. I was looking for work and my car broke down, then my relationship fell apart, and I had nowhere to go. This cycle has repeated several times now, a spiral that moves past the same place at a different level. It just happened again, but at a more intentional level where I chose to sell my house, get a rental, and look for more fulfilling work. It feels the same in a lot of ways, I have to keep reminding myself I am choosing this in a purposeful way. This is not something that is happening to me, I am choosing to do it for a purpose and I have the time and resources to consciously make that choice.

I have worked consistently for the last twelve years or so, renting an apartment and then purchasing a home on my own. I had to train myself to go back into the servitude and let go of my creative life. For the most part I stopped writing. I stopped everything that might interfere with my success. I threw myself into working, telling the few friends I had that I needed to focus. I worked long hours and dedicated myself to working on something that would give me something back for my efforts. Between getting sucked dry by a corporation and throwing all of my time, energy, and resources into fixing up an old house I lost myself.

I thought I had lost myself in being a parent. Trying so hard to show up for my kid and failing in everything. My marriage, my work, being out in the world making money. I threw myself into making it all work and in the end I lost all of it, of at least that’s how it felt. Unable to sustain relationships, struggling to run a household on my own. I couldn’t understand why it was all so hard for me. Giving up writing didn’t help my mental state but I felt safer keeping it all inside.

People always told me I was smart but some things escaped me. I could easily do most of it but somehow it never worked out. It’s hard to explain why even to myself. Maybe if I just tried harder. It’s like I have all the ingredients for a cake but no matter which way I mix it up it never turns out to be cake.

With Covid everything came to a head and since my kid was off at college I just threw myself into work. My whole life became this job and the job didn’t want all of me. Just the manic parts, and not much of those. Push for things but be nice. Chase this down but don’t get frustrated when you are ignored. The social aspect of work was draining and regrettable. But I kept trying. Trying to make them like me. But they never really did.

I’d like to say I liked them but I wouldn’t like to lie and anyways we never got to know each other. The way we are meant to interact and be friendly but not actually be friends is something I can neither understand nor navigate. I can either be open or I can be closed. This strange middle ground where you don’t really tell the truth and you stay connected but without real exchange or interest feels fake in a way that is depressing and exhausting and I can’t help feeling like it doesn’t matter how many people agree with you, those things are still wrong.

I forced them to treat me right. They super did not like that. So they retaliated against me. Because I tried to follow policy. Because I dared to challenge their tactics. Well I am free now. I don’t have to make excuses for their lies. I don’t have to pretend to not notice the way they cut corners and say one thing and then do another. I can walk away.

I am finally free.

They are probably super happy that I’m gone. Now there is no one to point out that what they are doing is corrupt. They can write policies saying they are going to do one thing and then sneak around and do something else and no one will say a thing. They can ignore their own rules and keep doing what they’ve been doing. Which is acting like the rules only apply to some people and not to others.

They can take years to do things that need to be in place and only take weeks to accomplish and pretend they are in compliance. Why? Because it’s inconvenient to people who think the rules don’t apply to them. It’s hard and they don’t want to do it. So they find a way to get out of it even though that is blatantly incorrect. And management encourages them.

They encourage the elitist assholes to ponce about with a don’t ask permission seek forgiveness attitude and then they don’t even make them seek forgiveness. They never apologize. They just act like it’s fine. Over and over. For years. And no one stops them. I explained the standard operating procedure to my supervisor. He doesn’t understand anything about what I do. I used small words. And a neutral tone. He just didn’t like what I was saying.

Well there is no one left to hold him accountable now. He is a terrible manager. No leadership skills, bad communication, poor grammar and logic. Likes to get drunk with his staff though. Likes to promise people things and then take them away when you don’t fit in. I can’t go out drinking and watch people get sloppy drunk and then drive home. So I stopped hanging out with them after work. And they stopped liking me. They don’t trust someone who won’t get drunk with them. And I don’t trust a drunk. So here we are.

Sorry rule breakers and disrespectors. I don’t enjoy your social hierarchy and I’m not going to watch you get shit faced after work. You’re pretty boring. My boss tried to hook me up with his creepy friend and when that didn’t work out he stopped managing me. He just abandoned me and ignored me for like over a year. I kept doing my job for as long as they let me. I did my best. Showed up. Told the truth. Until they forced me out.

I’m calling it a success. I won. It’s sad really. All I ever did was try to help them. They do not want my help. They want me gone so they can get back to faking it. I was trying to make it real. See that’s the difference between us. I actually meant what I said. You people are full of lies.