Side Eye

I look pretty good from the front

Still have a waist

I recognize the shape of me

The proportions are mine

Although overall larger

Some of it has to be inflammation

But I have spread out

I take up more space now

I am wider

From side to side

But I look like me to me

From the front

.

It’s the side view

Like it’s harder to see myself

From the side

Which is good

In the sense that my self image

Is forward facing

Presentational

It’s facing forward

But it turns out I am three dimensional

And the shape of sideways me

Looks like someone else

.

Sideways me has a big old gut

It sticks out pretty far

Like I am pregnant

With a food baby

Or maybe I’m trying to give birth

To myself

But it’s a big belly

Like it hangs over my underwear

It’s not a me I recognize

Outside of actually being pregnant

Me is smaller

She’s probably still in there somewhere

If you see her

Please tell her I’m looking for her

And also I’m sorry

I guess

It has to be my fault

There’s no one else here

.

It reminds me of the drawing

Of the boa constrictor

After the elephant has

Swallowed it

Maybe I have something inside me

I need to digest

Something stuck in my craw

Maybe I can dissolve it

And use it to feed me as I

Change

Again

Aging into someone new

Familiar

But different

To fortify my

Movement

Fuel this shift

.

Maybe I’m meant to embrace it

Learn to love this self

Pat it gently

Love how it shakes

When I laugh

Feel its stability and its heft

As my own

No waif child

I am a woman of substance

It cries out

You can’t sundress me and

Pull focus

This is a group scene

The body that starred in earlier chapters

Isn’t in this one

They’ve cast a new actor

For this part

.

She has the floor

Let her speak

.

I haven’t felt safe

Or cared for

I need to feel seen

For who I am

It feels good to eat

But then I feel so full

I can’t move

And it feels like it’s right there

At the top of my throat

Trying to escape

Trapped behind words unsaid

Feelings ignored

And a sour taste

The flavor of disgust

There is so much to

Look away from these days

More than the normal amount of

Regrettable human behavior

To wish away

Pretend to be ok

There’s no place to stay

Hidden

No turning sideways

To disappear

No sand deep enough

For this long, lank head

I need

Insulation

Some padding

To protect me

From the world

.

The cruelty lives within

Critical eye

Cutting tongue

Casual

Cuts

Each compliment a condition

Conditional

The exchange

If you x I will y

Who can hold out longer

Which of us is stronger

How can this get wronger

Whose rules are these

And where do we find them

.

Slowing down

Like circulation

Like thought processes

Like cold sugar

Trying to recrystallize

From a solution

Unheat the

Syrup

Reform the bones

Excavate what’s under all those

Feelings

And eat what it means

.

It’s a perfectly good

Space

For life to

Spring forth

Held back

By invisible hands

They finally silenced my

Voice

Hand across mouth

Eyes pleading

Please

Let me live

Let me breathe

I want to run free