Rule #1

A long time ago in a modern dance class, one of my teachers talked about something she thought was very important for young ladies to understand. And probably everyone, but she definitely was directing it at us young ladies in her class. Modern dance was largely a female zone and typically the only male in the room back then was the musician hired to accompany the choreography with live music tailored to the class.

It’s a pretty simple concept, but it didn’t make any sense to me at all at the time when she was telling us. In fact, I thought it was a really weird thing to say. But it stuck in my head and years later I finally understood what she meant.

She said rule number one is if you don’t want me, you can’t have me. I’m going to repeat it and put it in quotes and credit my teacher.

“If you don’t want me, you can’t have me.” - Ann Woodhead

Let me break it down for you, as it is now something I understand with every fiber of my being. At the time I was around 25 attending Sonoma State and I thought I knew a thing or two. I was a good bit older than most of the student body as I took time off to work and travel and I saw myself as mature and worldly and somewhat above the others in terms of both life experience and dance technique. In retrospect this is questionable but back then I would have argued the point with much vigor.

I found it odd how much time she spent talking in our dance classes. She took a lot of time to impart her wisdom and not all of it was dance related. I felt this was a waste of time but she was working on the whole person, not just the dancer, and that has merit. I’m not sure I appreciated it much in the moment, I was a pretty judgey dance student and had a lot of thoughts about how instructors ran their classes until the day came for me to try it and discover it was really hard and I wasn’t good at it.

At that point I gained a new respect for anyone trying to teach anything, and transformed into a much better participant as I’d been on the other side and I saw what it takes to run a class. It’s not easy and there is a specific talent for holding space for a group of any kind but I didn’t know that then so probably I was super annoying to have in class. She was patient with me, something I cannot say for the other dance instructors on faculty at the time.

Back to rule number one. It does sound simple and logical. At first glance you might miss the lesson there. I certainly didn’t get it that day. It was only many years later as I left a relationship that it dawned on me what she was trying to tell us in that 1989 dance class. Could have been 1990, but it was a long time ago and I remember it clearly to this day.

My friends and dear readers you may find yourself in a similar situation so please pay attention and take benefit. The wisdom is sound. The advice is clear. Don’t give yourself away to anyone or anything when you are not wanted and appreciated. When people show you they don’t want you there don’t wait for further evidence. Remove yourself from the places that don’t see your value. They are not for you.

She was speaking specifically about romantic relationships but it applies to jobs, social activities, and everything really. It’s obvious when you are valued. It fills you up. It fortifies your soul. You know when it’s there. You know that feeling so memorize it. Let it sink into your bones and form the backbone of a protection for anyone prone to chase love and affection. This is important. Please listen and try to understand.

Last night I spent time with a group of people who reminded me what it feels like to be liked and admired for who you truly are, and I will carry it with me as I move forward in this life. I met them randomly on a boat tour, and their genuine care and concern was palpable, I could feel it so clearly through our fumbling conversations as we struggled to communicate in our different languages.

You know when it’s there. You don’t have to wonder. There is no pretense, no questioning if you belong or if you’re wanted. It’s clearly observable and plainly obvious. Look for this. It’s what you deserve. It’s what we all need and we should have it in abundance.

I’ve learned to walk away from the table when love isn’t being served. Or as another poet puts it:

You must find the courage to leave the table if respect is no longer being served. - Tene Edwards

Last night was confirmation that I’m on the right path. I am gravitating towards love. The right people are attracted into my circle and they are bringing me the gifts I need to grow. They saw me traveling alone and included me. Took the time to find out who I am even though or maybe because we come from different places and speak a different language.

Together we found ways to connect. We translated for each other. We laughed and shared a meal together. I left feeling joy in my heart and hope for the future. Some of us knew more than one language and took the time to make an effort to be the conduit between the varying levels of understanding. Repeating what was said, making sure no one felt left out. It was a slow and leisurely method of communicating and it made me so happy.

Hearing the different languages spoken and watching each of us light up with understanding as the thoughts traveled across the table and the stories were told in ways that made sure to include each of us in turn. Well. It gives me hope for humanity. We all came from diverse backgrounds and we hold a variety of viewpoints but we found ways to connect and no one felt left out.

I will carry this with me like a precious jewel. I can pull it out and admire it when things feel dark. It will guide me and instruct me in times of doubt. I know what it is to feel wanted. To be included and embraced in an effortless charm that says we see you. We hear you. We care what you think. We want to know more.

If one day I am somewhere that feeling is absent I will remember Rule Number One. And I will just walk away. I won’t try to make them like me. There is no point to that. Once someone shows me their truth I will believe them. That is the way.

Be safe out there kids. Know that you are loved. If it’s not obvious you’re in the wrong room. Find a new table. Make your own if you have to, but don’t accept less than the respect you deserve simply for existing. It’s out there. Let’s go find it! And be it. For each other. And for ourselves. You know what it looks like. How it feels. Trust your gut and navigate towards love.