Consent

The problem as I see it is some people don’t find enthusiastic consent sexy. They’re just not turned on by someone that wants them openly and displays it with abandon. I won’t poke into the deep self loathing that reflects, but let me say this.

Anything less than enthusiastic consent is definitely questionable. In that gray area between rape and sexual assault. It’s wild how people justify it. But there it is. The coercive continuum is real.

I had someone tell me they didn’t want to get consent beforehand because it took away the element of surprise. My suggestion was to get consent for a bunch of stuff and then surprise them with which one. They declined to take me up on that suggestion. We are no longer friends.

If part of what turns you on is pushing someone past their stated boundaries then you need to take a look at that. I get that our default heteronormative process has historically been you push, I resist, you push me past that resistance but that isn’t working.

Playing hard to get is out. Being turned on and transparent about it is in. Sexual politics needs to evolve. Rather than predator and prey be radical. Take accountability for your own passions and offer them as a gift. If they are reciprocated then pursue! If not then gracefully withdraw and move on.

It’s a gift to share not a coin to be spent or a secret to keep. Dig into what is so off putting about someone who is available.

As for the youth we must hold them in trust. Give them space to explore and provide a safe container for them to do so. Age restrictions are there for a reason, they may seem into it but they cannot consent. Consent requires an equal playing ground and that’s not possible in an uneven power dynamic. Let them be, they are for each other. Not for us.

We need to take a good, long, hard look at what about unavailability turns us on. I’m all for flipping the straights and lord knows youth is an elixir but there are limits.